After writing about the rules surrounding prisoner communications by post and by phone last month, I thought I should follow it up with an explanation of how prison visits work.
Visits are an area of great division for prisoners. Some hate them and refuse to have them. They just can’t stand having to watch their loved ones leave at the end. Other people find that hard but endure them for the sake of their family, who want to be able to see them. Then there are those who don’t particularly like the end of visits, but think it is worth it for the chance to spend some time with the people they care about and miss so much. Only a few people are completed unaffected by a visit after it has finished. These people enjoy them most of all. As for me, I fall into the third group. I find it massively frustrating that I can’t just walk out at the end and go home with my loved ones, but I would rather have that frustration than the feeling of total isolation and loneliness that accompanies a long period without any visits. The only problem arises when they ship you out to a prison hundreds of miles from everyone you know!
Visits can be a *heaven or hell* situation. I only met one guy who refused visits (for the reasons you alluded to). He was very helpful to me on my arrival so when I left,a non-smoker, I gave him all my tobacco.
The worst visit for me was the one where my partner, as she got up to leave, told me she *might* be pregnant. No time to discuss it and a month and a long distance, literally and metaphorically, between us. A month to allow this news to gnaw my brain; a month to petition the Welfare! Officer who didn’t know his bum from his elbow; many years to realise that she suffered alone and the many humiliations forced on her.
Like you, I go for having visits: I had Sikh Guru Visits, C of E Vicar, Marxist Councillors and the usual Probation Visits. After my probation visits were refused, the female Probation Officer fancied my Partner, the other visits gained value. Prison Visitor didn’t come again after one visit as, after looking at my books, he knew he had no chance of *saving* a wretch like me.
I can’t even imagine the torment you must have gone through in that situation. I’ve been left in limbo in a few different ways myself, especially over the past year, but a possible pregnancy is on a whole other level.
Thanks for that but it was a long time ago. You can imagine my chain of thinking after my partner had departed. Eventually, I learned the estimated DOB and counted the months. The conception was duiring my remand period. We (or I) had decided against her wishes not to have a kid while I was away. She stopped taking the pill and a beautiful baby girl was the result. We never got round to discussing this after my release, it was a fait accompli, so my thoughts are educated speculation.
My reasoning was that she would grow while i was away but i would not. She was 18 and I was 20. I was partly right for once-she did grow and mature into a responsible adult while i remained the manchild. To my accusers who say i left her barefoot and pregnant- I can only reply that I was responsible for her bare feet but an unwitting contributor to the conception. Her body-her right to choose.
I repeat-I was correct in part but Johnny Cash puts it better in the (Nine Inch Nails written) song *Hurt*:
*You are someone else
I am still right here..*
Was going to attach the link to youtube but don’t know if links are allowed
Change happens differently for different people and my Prison time started a process that continues until today. So, now, i can honestly say that i am not the same or, maybe, the same but different. You might think I am daft but even though I got *special treatment* when inside, I have to admit, it changed me for the better (but I don’t recommend it!). Even more profound, was the slow realisation of what my Partner suffered especially giving birth on her own and, to be honest, I will never comprehend it totally. I wish her well and all the happiness in the world.
Though I can’t access links myself, it is fine to post them on here so that other readers can access them, so please feel free.
What you said about wishing your ex well really strikes a chord with me. I feel the same about my ex. Though it is hard (as always) not to overthink and wonder, “what if?”
I’ve read tweets about the “New Bridge Foundation”, the lady writes to and visits convicts at her local prison.
I’ve read a bit about New Bridge’s befriending scheme and have actually considered applying myself since I have been so far from family for so long, making it hard for them to visit. I haven’t done though because I can’t shake the feeling that there might be someone more in need than me who would miss out.