Continuing on from my last post, for some years now I’ve known that sorry just isn’t enough. It doesn’t make up for the past and nothing ever will. But that doesn’t mean that you stop trying. Whether you believe in it or not, the story of the devil being banned for all eternity is highly relevant here. It’s the story of someone who knowingly did wrong and was told that he could never redeem himself. In response, he didn’t even attempt redemption. He embraced his fate to be cast into hell, and decided that he might as well do whatever he wanted and take as many people with him as possible.
Well, I know I’ll never be able to undo what I’ve done, I can never take back the past and I can never make up for it. But I will not give up. Not at least trying to make up for your mistakes is almost as bad as making them in the first place. So I swear, I will spend the rest of my life, futile as it may be, trying to balance the bad I have done with just a little bit of good. I will help who I can. I will do what I can. I will find a way to make a difference.
Why? Well, what’s the alternative?
I’d like to apologise for a couple of things relating to my last post. The first is its length. They won’t all be that long, but I thought it was important to explain my sentence so far if I’m going to keep writing about it as time progresses. The second thing is the amount of self-pity that may have come across in it. Honestly, I don’t think I should be in prison any more. I think I should have been given access to the right courses and then released years ago. However, I am in prison because of my own actions and I have no right to feel sorry for myself.
In speaking to certain prisoners who are maintaining their innocence there is one thing I have said repeatedly. I regret what I did to end up in prison whole-heartedly and, if I could take it back, I would do in a second. But I do know one thing. I’d rather be in prison for something I did than for something I didn’t do. If I had to stay in here and I knew I was innocent, I don’t think I’d be able to cope. I’m here because I messed up. It’s those that are in here through no fault of their own that I really feel sorry for.
But there’s an even more important apology that I need to make too. I need to say sorry to everyone I’ve hurt over the years. I need to say sorry to my family and to my friends. I need to say sorry to my ex-fiance too. And of course, I need to say sorry to those that were hurt directly by my crimes. To my victims. To their families. To their friends. Even to the old lady who heard about it on the local news and felt a little less safe, or the teenage boy who was wrongly assumed to be up to no good because a minority of us actually were. And to anyone I ever hurt in any way. And to you.